The New Elizabethans – An Alternative List

You are almost certainly aware – it’s been shoved down our throats since last year, after all – that our glorious unelected head of state, Queen Elizabeth II, will be enjoying (yes, she does occasionally crack a smile) her sixtieth year on the throne in 2012. To commemorate this exciting fact Radio 4 will be selecting a panel next month whose task it will be to compile a list of the sixty living Britons who have most influenced our national life. Just as the first Queen Elizabeth ruled over a Golden Age that ushered in the Early Modern Period, an era of cultural and political ferment not seen in Europe for generations, so it is said that our Elizabeth has overseen a time of greatness, of innovation in the arts and sciences, of profound changes in mores and social habits; that she has reigned as a symbolic Mother of the Nation at whose ever-flowing teat we grateful subjects imbibe comfort and unity.

Well I think the picture is not so clear. I tend to the Rotten theory of post-war British society – that it’s the fascist regime that made you a moron. (Not you of course, gentle reader.) And so, in that spirit of splenetic, contrarian, dangerously close to misanthropic disgust with this low dishonest decade or six, I offer you my own list of sixty luminaries who, in my view, have done their best to make Britain what it is today. And never before in the field of human TV watching, sport obsessing, flag waving, bovine conformity has so much contempt been owed to so few by so many.

 

  1. Katie Price
  2. Everyone who has ever been in Hollyoaks
  3. The Saatchi brothers
  4. The Beckhams
  5. Ann Atkins
  6. Peter Bazalgette
  7. Lord Tebbit of Chingford
  8. Wayne Rooney
  9. Peaches Geldof
  10. Whoever came up with Thought for the Day
  11. ‘Dr.’ Gillian McKeith
  12. Neil & Christine Hamilton
  13. Abi Titmus
  14. Simon Cowell
  15. The Royal Institute for International Affairs
  16. Garry Bushell
  17. Chris Moyles
  18. Cheryl Cole
  19. Danny Dyer
  20. Fred Goodwin
  21. Kelvin Mackenzie
  22. Louise Mensch
  23. Boris Johnson
  24. Ant & Dec
  25. Adam Boulting
  26. Pete Waterman
  27. Peter Hitchens
  28. A.A. Gill
  29. Phil & Kirstie
  30. Peter Andre
  31. Everybody who works for Talk Sport
  32. Sir Digby Jones
  33. Lord Sugar
  34. Jimmy Carr
  35. Rebekah Brooks
  36. Richard Littlejohn
  37. Melanie Phillips
  38. Kay Burley
  39. Andrew Neil
  40. Commissioners of BBC1 sitcoms
  41. Trevor Kavanagh
  42. Janet Street-Porter
  43. Michael Portillo
  44. Clarkson, May & Hammond
  45. Vernon Kay & Tess Daly
  46. Lord Prescott
  47. Keith Lemon
  48. Nick Clegg
  49. All royal correspondents and entertainment ‘journalists’
  50. The National Lottery Commission
  51. Lord Mandelson
  52. Sir Phillip Green
  53. Andy Coulson
  54. Lord Rothermere
  55. Migration Watch
  56. The Confederation of British Industries
  57. The Adam Smith Institute
  58. Everyone involved with Loose Women
  59. Quentin Letts
  60. And finally the two towering  figures who most neatly epitomise and did so much to create the spirit of this vicious and shallow age: Baroness Thatcher of Kestevan and Anthony Charles Lynton Blair.

About misterdzhimbo

Anarcho-hippy fantasist, poetaster, psych-blues guitar strangler, co-author of Red Phone Box, a beautifully illustrated Urban Fantasy/New Weird story cycle (http://gwdbooks.com/books/red-phone-box-a-darkly-magical-story-cycle). I like tea.
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